


It's a love hate kind of thing

by mrsAcklesxx



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Enemies to Friends, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Graphic Violence, Graphic torture scenes, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinks, M/M, Multi, My first fic, Public Sex, Self-Harm, Sexting, Shower Sex, Slow Build, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Crossover, alistair - Freeform, draco bottoming, harry bottoming, mentioned dean winchester - Freeform, mentioned hell, mindfucks, quidditch kink, some other stuff tags will be added, step dad snape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:46:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3507125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsAcklesxx/pseuds/mrsAcklesxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Cedric, Sirius and his own mother and father die because of him Harry's emotions and magic is all over the place. He must battle against prejudice, homophobia and his internal battle with depression as well as everyday life. So when Harry and draco have a huge fight it has some deadly consequences. Their punishment to share a room. The two of them grow together and realise that maybe theyre not so different. Eventual friendship and eventual smut.<br/>-------------<br/>Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta’ find the ones worth suffering for. – Bob Marley</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Its my first one guys so go easy on me :) any kudos or comments are very appreciated.

From the end spring new beginnings.  
Pliny the Elder

\------------------------

Chapter one  
_-------------------

Splat!  
Harry scowled as another spit ball hit the back of his ear. Today was not his day, first he'd lost almost 70 points in potions then he'd got a detention from flitwick for forgetting the charms homework, so now he had Hermione telling him how he should've done it earlier than the night before and how it was just justice really. And now some prat was trying to push him over the edge.

Splat!  
That was it! No one can walk over him like that! 7 spit balls!! 7!! Enough was enough! Jumping up he turned behind him ignoring McGonagall's exclamations and Ron's 'Bloody hell, harry is it your scar?'. His emerald eyes narrowed dangerously as he scanned the faces around him trying to look for the culprit. The table quivered as his frustration grew. His hair whipped around his face with a wind that wasnt there and his eyes seemed to burn an emerald fire.  
There. A streak of blinding blond hair caught his eye and he zoned in on the laughing face.  
Malfoy.  
Malfoy looked up ready to fire another one with his wand when he saw Harry's gaze, quickly he took in the small hurricane of quills and paper, the angry look on his face and in a flash incendio'd the ball of spit. Harry continued to glare at him ignoring Hermione who was tugging on his sleeve and mouthed the words 'you're dead' before sitting down with words of apology.  
Draco sunk back into his chair and swallowed hard. If there was one thing you really didn't want, it was a pissed off harry potter -fucking boy wonder! -Screaming for your blood. Draco paused maybe he was overdoing it a bit what's the worst that could happen? Its only potter and they were in school and surely no matter how ticked off potter was even he wouldn't risk an unforgivable...would he? Draco had heard the story from his mother about how Sirius black had passed a few months ago and that him and potter were close but surely even he wouldn't be that stupid. Draco's mind wandered back to those two mouthed words. He gulped and sighed sweeping a hand over his brow. Oh well he thought glumly only 2 hours till lunch then I'll know for sure. Sighing he tried to remember all the attack and defence Snape had taught him. If he was going down he was going down swinging. And he wasn't about to give up a fight with the only person who endlessly agitated him and seemed to always pick a fight. Nope he grinned at the thought of breaking potters perfect nose. And prepared another spit ball.

\--------------

"Bloody hell harry! What in Merlin's name was that?!" Ron exclaimed as soon as they left the classroom. Hermione tutted at his loud voice but looked at Harry with the same questioning look. Harry stepped back his voice uneasy "what was what?". He took another wary step back as he saw both Ron and Hermione's jaws drop. " you mean... you..you didn't mean to?" Hermione tried regain the ability to speak. Harry sighed and threw his hands up in exasperation "what!? Do what???"  
Now Hermione seemed at loss of what to say so Ron quickly filled him in finishing it with " -mate that was some heavy wandless and you didn't even try to! Amazing mate bloody brilliant! Hermione's been trying for years and here you are and you did it without even batting an eyelid!" He broke down chortling and missed the way Hermione's eyes narrowed. She cleared her throat as if to remind Ron that she was there and continued to say-  
" obviously harry we need to look into it, it could be dangerous, you could hurt someone!" Suddenly both Ron and harry sobered and stopped planning the countless pranks. "I'm sure its not 'mione..." Harry tried to soothe her.  
"Oh! Your sure are you? Tell me harry have you ever even attempted wandless? So what brought this on we know that you.. no offence but lose control when your emotions are running high so maybe sirius' death triggered this specific chain reaction which -" harrys eyes glazed over and filled with tears. "oh harry im sorry i didnt think i -" Hermione embraced harry and harry let one tear slide before pulling back. "its fine mione' i just need..time. anyway lets go im starved!" harry laughed trying to lighten the mood. The golden trio walked laughing up to the welcoming castle that they called home. \------------------------------------------------


	2. hell on earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait will try to upload more :) kudos and comments are life tell me what you want :D

 

Harry woke sweaty and with tears running down his face. He looked down and realized that the charm he'd set had woke him. It was a silencing charm so nobody heard his screams. His watch was buzzing and flashing red indicating that it was the time to get up but harry just ignored it and recollected what he could remember of his dream  
× it had started as it always does: with the tell tale flash of green and his mothers screams then it flashes forward to the second flash of green and a second body: Cedric. Finally it had moved to a quieter scene but one with more heart break than the rest. He watched as Sirius fell through the veil. Then he ran. He ran for what seemed like hours but his still turned up on that ledge with the veil behind him. Suddenly 4 figures appeared all looking grisly and like old corpse's. Their skin a grey chalky color and peeling off their faces blank and shallow their mouths clamped shut with what little remained of their lips. Their eyes were blank and dull. They walked towards him and he flinched backwards only to find he was held in place.  
"Don't you recognize me? ...your own mother?" One grimly asked before grinning creepily with rotting teeth and strands of grimy hair framing the horrific face.  
"No mum?..." He looked around at the advancing familiar figures "Dad?... Cedric..I'm sorry..oh god..Sirius? you you can't be here your dead!! " harry sobbed clawing at his scalp and face in despair.  
"Yes you let us die" they whispered eerily closing in on him.

No that wasn't right. He'd tried he couldn't do anything! They couldn't blame him it was Voldemort not him!  
Harry tried to choke out this weak explanation but the corpses just stumbled closer until they were upon him and they pushed him gently through the veil where he fell. He fell for what seemed like seconds but in reality was probably an hour until finally he hit the floor. This was where the dream changed. Harry normally woke here sweating and panting but this time...this time it was different he was still he here, held in this void space away from the waking world.  
It was red and dark and hot and the air was filled with screams and wails. He could hear the foreshadowing eery sound of knives being sharpened over the scrabble.  
Getting slowly to his feet he realized that he had no injuries. In any other circumstance it would be a miracle but harry knew better. Next he felt for his wand only to find that he was in a strange scratchy shirt and shorts. His wand was no where in sight. He gulped as the full situation sunk in. He was alone with no means of protecting himself in a place which seemed like nowhere he'd ever been before. And those ghosts? Could be after him still.  
Shit.  
It was bad.  
And that was before two long thick chain rose quickly from the floor and secured his legs. Then another two secured his arms before lifting him into the air.  
Yelping harry scrambled to free himself but him made no progress apart from using his small reserve of energy. Slumping his head rolled as all energy drained from him. Seconds later a cold breeze brushed his chin pushing it up and a leather strap circled and then tightened holding his head back and up. Harry opened his eyes and tried desperately to reach for his wandless magic which seemed stored behind a wall in his mind. But the wall refused to break. Angry harry growled his frustration. 'Tut tut tut now that just won't do...' A middle aged nasally male voice sounded close to his ear and he strained to see the figure. 'Now cmon harry this doesn't have to be hard.... You do have a way out of this....torture with me harry....I will teach you everything I know' the voice dropped lower and his breath was heavy. Harry just spat in his direction. To torture or to be tortured what kind of choice was that?? The voice just sighed. 'Very well...oh one more thing I'm Alistair just so you know....for when you scream' the voice now recognized as Alistair chuckled darkly before the sound of sharpening knives filled the air. 'I had another pupil just like you,you know' with this he dragged the sharp blade from Harry's right shoulder to his left hip. Harry's legs buckled but he refused to cry out instead he just replied in a raspy voice to distract himself 'Oh yeah?' Immediately he gritted his teeth as the blade sliced down his right arm. 'Oh yes he was the bravest little soul' here he chuckled 'he fought for a long time but in the end....' He paused. 'How longs a long time?' Harry choked cautiously . 'Oh 30 years' he said as casually as if he was describing something as boring and normal as the weather. 'And in the end?' As soon as the words left his mouth harry kicked himself. He didn't want to know. He really didn't want to know. ' oh him....I carved him into a new animal' this was spoken directly into his ear. Harry flinched away but Alistair just chuckled. 'Harry?' He asked in a sarcastically sweet voice. 'What..?' Harry bit back a groan. Suddenly a hand was yanking his hair back and the knife was at his throat.  
' scream for me'  
'Never.'  
The blade sliced and sliced till there was nothing left and then the next day and the next and the next. Everyday new horrors faced him and his screams split the air like the blood dripping to the floor. Until finally he would awake from this hell××

Shuddering he wiped the fresh tears from his face and took in a deep shaky breath. It felt so real. He could still feel the chill of the blade. Hear Alistair's cruel laugh. Gripping his hair he repeated firmly that it was only a dream and not real. Not real. Not....real. Real. He didn't believe it. Not one word. To him it was real even if it was only in his head. Trying to gather some strength he sat up plastered on a smile and got ready to face Ron.

\----------------------------------------------

Draco got increasingly jumpy as the term continued and there was still no sign of potters retribution . until about two weeks after the grab outside the hall draco awoke from his heavy slumber and realized with a jolt that he was angry. Angry at potter for making him wait as if he had more important things to do before beating up draco. How dare he! The cheek of it!. Well draco would show him. Nobody ignores a malfoy! Its typical of him. He has the perfect life I mean sure you know who is after him but hey it could be worse. He's in gryffindor he's the golden boy. He's the chosen one. The boy who lived. Boy wonder boy. Voted witches waverly's hottest wizard (how on earth they came up with that idea draco had no idea!) The ladies loved him. He didn't have any pressure from his parents....then again he didn't have any parents...draco sobered. No he shouldn't feel guilty he hates potter. Maybe he should use that against him.... His parents death..ouch that's cold. Hm maybe after all this has blown over. Yawing draco sat up and clambered ungracefully out of bed shaking his bed hair out of his eyes. Maybe he'd have some fun with potter today. Speed up the inevitable i.e. potters fist in his face. Urgh. Then he grinned maliciously and thought about the new jinx he'd learnt from the restrictive section and thought that maybe just maybe he actually had a chance. And with that he left the dorms heading to the showers.

\------- ------------------

The first thing Draco noticed when he finally made it downstairs was that his 'favorite' gryffindor was missing. Frowning he sat and reached for a baegle. Damn he was gonna start with the operation: ape (annoy potter e...well he didn't need an e but this way it spelt ape so...) . sighing he bit into the cheesy baegle and reached for the pumpkin juice before meeting blaise's eyes. 'What?' Draco asked. 'Nothing you just have that 'I'm gonna piss someone off' look in your eyes but hey as long as its not me then go get 'em tiger.. Wait hang on that looks normally reserved for...oh crap you're not gonna wind up potter are you? I heard he didn't sleep so he's pissed already" blaise facepalmed at his friends stupid bravery but draco didn't seem unnerved in fact he seemed to smile. " where do you find out this stuff?" He asks with a chuckle. Blaise just winked and walked off, draco rolled his eyes at his friends dramatics and then sent a glare to the first years to show that he wasn't going soft. Gulping they scampered off. Draco smirked and reached for the toast until **BANG!**  
The great hall doors flew open and smashed against the walls. In between them stood a lone figure with flashing emerald eyes. As everyone turned to stare he walked slowly to his table without shrinking under their eyes like he normally did. Now draco doesn't normally stare but damn potter looked like hell on earth. His dancing eyes were circled with black and his hair was worse than before, which is saying something, and he'd forgotten his glasses. His lips were cracked and swollen as if he'd been in an intense make out session and his uniform well it wasn't even on not really his shirt was buttoned up wrong showing his abs and the sleeves were rolled up and stretched across his broad shoulders the shirt looked like it was about to rip. The waistline of his Calvin Klein underwear were even showing. At this draco felt the blood rush to his face. He looked around and realized all the girls were almost drooling and some of the boys too! Dropping his eyes draco picked apart his beagle before slumping down on the bench.

\-----_--------------

Ugh what a morning! First harry had missed his shower slot and had had to give an autograph to a first year to get his spot. And of course by then he was running majorly late! He'd raced to the dorm only to find that someone had taken his uniform. So he had to borrow Seamus' spare shirt which he threw on and he clambered into Ron's trousers as he sprinted to the hall. Hurriedly he tried to button his shirt and to pull up his trousers but nothing seemed to co-operate he yanked at his hair in frustration and came to a sudden stop as he realized he'd forgotten his glasses. Oh well too late now. He carried on running only to run straight off one of the staircases as they decided to move. Yelling he fell through the air and tried to get to his wand. Thankfully he hadn't forgot that! Quickly he muttered the spell and his flight slowed. Releasing the spell he collapsed in a heap right in front of Snape. Oh Merlin could this get any worse?? "Potter what on earth do you think you're are doing? 100 points from gryffindor" he drawled in his slimy voice. "But sir i-" harry tried to interrupt. "No buts potter" and with that he slinked away back to the dungeons smirking. The gods must hate me harry thought angrily. What did he do to deserve any of this?!? He marched forward and unconsciously reached for his magic. He blew the doors open only just refraining from blowing them clean off and stood there taking in the shocked faces staring back at him then slowly he walked to where Hermione and Ron were sat looking flabbergasted. He refused to bow under the hundreds of eyes and kept his head held high. Today was going to be a long day.

\-------------------------------

Draco sauntered down to that so called oaf Hagrid's 'lesson' can you really call it that!? And he smirked as he saw potter wander down still in that god awful uniform (at least it was done up properly now) by himself. This was it! Mission ape was a go go. He was alone and vulnerable! This was the perfect time to strike hard and to strike fast. So he waited for potter to reach the edge of the forest and opened his mouth to start spouting the lines he'd he'd come up with earlier which were sure to wind potter up. Only to be interrupted by that oaf walking past and clapping potter on the shoulder. Muttering draco backed away and waited for his opportunity. There! Potter was alone again! Finally! He walked over to potter and shoved his arm.  
"Dear dear potty did all your friends realize how much of an idiot you are and leave you?" Potter didn't react.  
"Hey now maybe ronnickins got jealous again or did you and the hairball break up?" Now potters eye twitched. Brilliant here it comes.  
"Maybe Voldemort killed your parents because that way they wouldn't have to live with a disappointment of a son like you" at this draco stopped he'd gone too far. He knew it. He'd fucking crossed and danced on the other side of the line. He shrank back and waited for the hit only to find it didn't come. He looked at potter questioningly.  
Potter just shrugged and replied-  
"At least they died before seeing that yours had to put up with you their whole life....maybe that's why voldemort hasn't freed your father yet he's having some nice r&r away from you" potter replied in a dry mocking voice.  
No.  
He didn't.  
Draco saw red. Fine he wanted to fight dirty then he'd fight dirty. He opened his mouth only to find he couldn't speak-  
"Quiet back there malfoy" Hagrid's voice boomed over to them and harry replied  
" yes sir I'm very sorry sir I didn't mean to its my attention seeking disorder" draco was stunned potter had used his voice it was as if he'd said that. The whole class turned to look at him and still unable to speak which he guessed was potters doing he glared at them all.  
The charm broke and as the class turned around to face the front draco leaned into Harry's hair which smelt like his hand: oaky but this time with a tinge of sweetness from what he guessed was from his shampoo and whispered-  
"Oh it is on potter"  
He could feel potter trembling and heard him swallow loudly. He internally chuckled until he felt potters peppermint smelling breath dance over his face and he realized that he was still really close to him. Startled he pulled back. Trying to regain himself he sent him a glare and the finger and brushed the blonde hair out his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for such the long wait! I've been meaning to update butyou know how it is and llife's been busy! Anyway imma try and update a lot more! For Any spelling or crammer mistakes i am sorry as im doing this on my crappy phone :/ anyway please enjoy this chapter sorry its quite short! I love you guys! Please stick with it !! All comments and kudos literally make me keep writing and make me smile loads :D please let me know that you're there! Xoxo -kf

I try to do the right thing at the right time. They may just be little things, but usually they make the difference between winning and losing

by Mr abdul-jabbar  
\------------------

And so it began. 

The threat and grounds were silently laid... a free for all.

And yet.... nothing happened.

For a couple days after the threat and palaver down at hagrid's the tension grew and grew between the two boys, both ignoring the other as they prepared for the hell that they both knew was growing ever nearer. Both boys didn't even so much as look at the other, both didnt comment on the other and the school was pleasantly calm for a week or two. After the five day mark the teachers became anxious and weary, McGonagall called a meeting.

All the teachers gathered around the small staff table each squeezing past each other and struggling to find a seat until McGonagall walked in and stared at them all sighing loudly " oh for the love of...you're teachers are you not?" she waited till all their eyes were on her and they all nodded "And you are all witches or wizards are you not?" again they nodded avoiding her stern gaze, they flinched embarrassed as she threw her hands into the air " well for Merlins sake somebody enlarge the table and transfigure some chairs!" she muttered profanitiesunder her breath then looked around at them all now sitting comfortably around the table. All thestaff was present except, of course, Dumbledore. She gazed around at them all,"okay so we all know that we need to nip this is in the bud, stop it before it starts" most nodded but others looked confused, Professor Trelawny spoke up "sorry...stop what?" she asked in her normal floaty voice her bug eyes blinking questioningly. McGonagall sighed "surely you have noticed or  _foreseen_ " she mocked" the storm brewing between young potter and malfoy" now all teachers nodded. "maybe..maybe they've got past old hatred and moved on?" Flitwick asked hopefully. All the teachers laughed and Flitwick blushed and shrugged. Snape's slimy voice rose above the chatter that had broken out, McGonagall barely held back her shiver of disgust at the man, "as much as we all wish that..none of us are befuddled enough to think that _that_ is what is happening here... obviously they are planning and preparing...for what Merlin knows, but whatever it is it wont be pleasant..i blame potter entirely he has to forcing draco to-" " Oh shut up Severus! sorry..i just meant to say that clearly both boys are clearly main participants and yes...what you said prier was correct my fellow teachers we must be ready...for the storm almost upon us...winter is coming" All the teachers gulped but the muggle studies teacher burst out laughing drawing the eyes of the other "sorry, but you just quoted game of thrones and-" she stopped laughing and silenced fidgeting in the hard chair under McGonagalls scowl.

"We must be ready..We must hold fast..okay class is about to start so.." she waved a hand to dismiss them and they stood in a flurry and started towards the door chattering quietly. McGonagall sat on the desk and sighed running a hand on her brow wearily, hold fast..be ready she thought making it a mantra in her head. She thought of Harry's past and what had happened only months prier and silently wished Draco all her luck, He was gonna need it. 

\-------------------------------------------------------- 

 Harry sighed as he settled in his seat ready for potions, he barely spared the blonde head a glance as he chatted to Hermione and Ron sat next to him.

The lesson had only just started when he heard malfoy and his croonies start jeering and laughing at the griffindors then something happened. Something that marked the start of it all.  
"Hey potter, hey potter! " malfoy shouted laughing, harry turned slowly to face him with a dry grin.  
"Malfoy.." He replied as a way of greeting.  
Malfoy laughed " hey potty de-de-dementor!" Harry just started at him.  
"Wow...can you really not think of some new insults? " harry feinted a look of shock.  
Around him the gryffingdors laughed and sniggered. Malfoy stayed composed and raised an eyebrow.  
"Oh boy wonder I'm only just getting started" he smirked.  
Harry relaxed back into his seat as Snape walked over and broke up the whispering. He just smiled as Snape took 20 points because of him. Ah finally it had begun. Now let's see if malfoy can give as good as harry. No boundaries. No rules. No intervienance from friends , hmm come to think of it malfoy reminded him of 'the dark lord'. Harry laughed to himself as Snape walked away. Oh the game was on.

\---------------—–------------------

The pair bickered through the rest of potions and transfiguration and Dada. Nothing too serious just small jibs and yet the student and teachers alike could tell the explosion was just under the surface. That evening draco was walking to the hall when Severus amerged from seemingly the shadows.  
" come with me boy..."he cut off the boys arguments" .enough ! Come" he pulled draco down the corridor and down to the dungeons to his office.  
" you need to call this off..now draco" he drawled angrily.  
" what?" Draco looked away angry " call what- you can't tell me what to do!" He walks towards the door. Snape almost growls and with a flick of his wand the door shuts and locks. Draco glanced at it and glared at his step father.  
" let me go" he continues glaring at Severus.  
"Draco stop this you can't-potter is making -"  
" you can't tell me what to do. You're not my father " draco spits at him then grabbing his wand from his pocket uncharmed the door and walked out. Snape sat there stunned staring at the wall. He's not your son Severus , you need to remember it. He thinks to himself. But damn it'd be a lot better for both of you if he was. Scowling Snape stood and then joined the teachers at the head table in the main hall.

\------------------------  
The jokes and jibs were good natured and continued for two days until the both of them shared potion. Draco ran in the classroom and sat at the only free table:right at the front. He smiled to himself as he heard the bell ring just seconds later and looked around the class. Both weasel and hairball was present but ..boy wonder wasn't. Draco raised an eyebrow as weasel caught his eye but the ginger just flipped him the finger scowling, he looked worried though. Draco grinned oh brilliant was potter ill? Or hurt? His grin slipped well that was Draco's job! That's not fair! He pouted unconsciously as he riffled through his bag to pull out the work book, he looked up and realised why everyone was chatting: Snape was late! He grinned. Speaking of the devil just Seconds later the door flew open and the slimy man strode in with his cape (well okay it was a long robe but it looked like a cape! Honest!) Flying behind him, immedietly the class silenced and draco felt the temperature drop what felt 20 degrees. Damn his step father knew how to make an entrance. Snape sighed and glared at them all then he opened his mouth about to begin when the potions door opened and a mop of messy black hair meekly peered around before the boy himself entered. Potter looked around desperately and saw the only spare seat: right next to draco. No no no this was not happening! Potter seemed to share the same opinion and desperatly started searching again only to come to the same conclusion as draco. There was no where else.


	4. Chapter 4

Only enemies speak the truth, friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.

Stephan King

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Harry glanced at the blonde and sat with a huff, he slouched into his chair and looked up only to be met with Snape's look of intense pleasure. He groaned and watched Snape's smile grow even bigger. "now Potter...is this your class?" Harry shook his head "No".

"no what potter?"

"no its not my class... _sir"_   Harry mock bowed. 

Snape glowered at him and looked around the class, all eyes were fixed on them fascinated. 

"ah well done potter...i see you may have one brain cell in that tiny brain of yours" The slytherins laugh at snapes words but harry stayed silently glaring at snape.

"very well...fifty points from gryffindor" Harry gasped and immediately started arguing along side all the other gryffindors. 

"Enough! we will start now...any complaints and you can talk to me later...in detention" with that closing remark Snape turned on his heel and started his lesson. 

Harry tried to pay attention, honest he did! but he was just so god damn tired! He knew he looked like shit; his hair was a mess and he had bags under his eyes. he looked like one of the bums he'd seen around London!

Sighing harry glanced across only to find malfoy staring at him, he raised an eyebrow questioningly but instead of the retort or a biting remark he was expecting malfoy just shrugged and said "you look tired.." then he clamped him mouth shut and looked away angrily like his mouth had betrayed him. Harry sat with his mind reeling, of course it wasn't a big deal anyone with eyes could see that he was practically dead on his feet! but still...malfoy hadn't sounded happy at that, in fact he almost had sounded.....sounded worried- no harry cut himself off trying not to laugh, no that couldn't be it. Harry almost laughed out loud at the idea, he barely concealed his laugh and tried to cover it with a cough. but malfoy heard and turned to face him.

His ugly scowl back on his face he sneered at Hary "Alright there scarhead something funny? maybe you were laughing at your failing grades or you're inability to choose friends..a mudblood and a blood traitor." he sneered it all spitting the end comment. Harry felt his whole body stiffen in anger, he could feel his anger rising, clenching and unclenching his fists, rolling his jaw he tries to remind himself its the middle of potions and that-

"hey potty! cat got your tongue? or maybe a badger? As i recall you and pretty boy diggory had a disgusting 'thing' didnt you? you were very close..." he winks and harry breaths deeply through his nose. In, out, in, out, dont listen, in, out.

" oh mummy and daddy must be so proud!" harry growled slightly but malfoy continued " a faggot as a son! How many people have died for you potty? How many people have you hidden behind? How many killing curses are you responsible for?"The whole class was silent and even Snape stood stock still staring at harry waiting. 

" poootty? whats wrong?  you gonna cry?" He laughed bitterly as he watched harry's face then lost his train of thought as those green eyes met his own, they were swimming with unshed tears, all the anger had left them and they looked strangely empty. He stared back grey eyes meeting green.

" better scare mudblood and weasel away now or soon it will be them nobly leaping in front of the golden boy, giving their lives for the boy who lived " he laughed " but that's what you want isn't it scarhead? You want the attention...you can't deal with being alone. What's wrong  _potter_  didn't you get enough love as a child? You're spoilt and selfish potter, they gave their lives for you! And this is how you repay them? I bet they're turning in their grave! " malfoy ends his rant and the classroom is silent, deathly silent like the early morning when snow is falling, so crisp and sharp it feels like it could be cut with a knife. Its thick and engulfing. Malfoy stops his internal monologue and like everyone else stares at the boy sat staring at his hands. He opened his mouth to let out another angry and spiteful jab but closed his mouth as potter sits up straight and pulls his shoulders back, a glistening trail runs from one eye and over his prominent cheekbone and finally to his chin, draco realizes with a short intake of breath that he made potter cry. He shuffled slightly in his seat but continues to watch the boy. Potter stands slowly and the class collectively suck in a breath. Potter looked directly at Snape and opened his mouth " Severus...I must be excused" his voice is weary and husky, the fact that he uses Snape's first name leaves the teacher speechless for once and slowly the greasy man nods and potter walks silently from the room his eyes fixed on the wall ahead. The class watches still silent as the door opens then closes.

A gasp goes around the room then the whispers start. Malfoy looked around and realizes nobody else knew potter had cried he kept it to himself hoping to use it later. He glanced up feeling slightly remorseful but mostly proud. But as his gaze caught his step fathers all he could see was a twinge of disappointment and sadness. 

Snape cleared his throat and all whispers stopped, granger was sobbing quietly at the back of the room and weasel looked positively sick. 

" in light of this disturbance you may all leave" Snape sighed and sat at his desk, his pupils sat there unsure of the command 

"LEAVE !" 

Quickly the students scurried out of the classroom, draco packed his bag and started for the door.

" no, not you my child" Snape sighed again as draco stopped before him.

" what have you done boy? You stupid boy! " draco only gaped back at him.

"You .. -you- I didnt raise you like this child. 50 points from slytherin" he held a hand up to stop Draco's angry exclamations. " leave me draco." Angry draco turned and threw the door open before storming out of it. He starts to head down the corridor when he heard potters lag dogs talking. Quickly he hide in the aclove and listens- He could hear a girl, that must be the mudblood, god he hopes so!, sobbing. " oh Ron! Harry-he.. " she cries again but its muffled the weasle must be hugging her, ew gross. A gruffer voice replies " cmon mione he'll be okay, he always is " to this Granger just sobs harder and he hears the pair shuffle. " why him Ron? Why does he have to be the choosen one? Why does everyone he love have to die? Doesn't he deserve to be happy??" She keeps crying. " of course he does mione that's why he has us...cmon let's go find him" draco hears the pair shuffle away. He stands there awkwardly thinking that maybe he'd gone to far this time.

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Harry walked quietly to his room, everyone was still in class so he didnt encounter anybody. He entered the dorm and grabbed his invisibility cloak threw it over himself and picked up the map before leaving again. He marched back across the empty castle and stood in the corridor, His erratic breathing the loudest noise. He loved the castle like this. So silent and calm. Like the ocean on a good day. The waves would come as surely as the students would disrupted the peace and silence of the corridors. Shaking himself back to the present he thought clearly " give me a place to think" and after two more repetitions the solid door appeared before him, with a happy sigh his hand reached forward and pressed against the warm oak as he pushed it inwards. 

He gazed around the room not taking it in. He stumbled into the room and the door closed softly behind him. He sighed and sat in the soft armchair in front of the fire. Only now did he look around, the room was …home. It had photographs of him and his family, his friends and soft chairs, a fire and a bed, it even had a bathroom! He gazed around but his eyes caught on the images, he smiled softly to himself then felt it slip as he remembered malfoys warning ‘soon it will be them nobly leaping in front of the golden boy, giving their lives for the boy who lived’. Just as fast as it came the smile disappeared and harry sat there curled in the chair sucking in air quickly trying to ground himself. It was true, what malfoy had said. He shouldn’t be angry at him for saying what the others were too scared to say. His head was pounding quietly behind his eye lids. It was infuriating the steady ba bum ba bum. He hated it, so unchanged, so unrevealing, so black and white. Like a normal persons. But he wasn’t normal. Not like he had wanted to be. He was a freak. He was broken. It was his fault. It was all his fault. They had died _for_ him _._ They had died _because_ of him.

He didn’t know when he started crying, all he knew was that at some point he had because now the tears were fat and rolling down his cheeks. Sobs wracking his body, his hands grasping at his sides as the force of the sobs hurt his chest and he was struggling to breath. He rocked back and forth slightly in the chair and let out a inhumane howl of pain and hurt.  Standing he walked slowly to the mirror hanging on the wall above the fire. Staring at the face looking back at him, his face wet and dishevelled, he looked weak. He hated it.

“I hate you. Its your fault. You did this. If you hadn’t been born, your mom and dad would still be alive and happy and cedric and si-sirius and..and I hate you.” His sobs broke up his speech but he stared into his eyes as he spat it out. And he meant every word.  He stared back at his face in disgust and raised his arm and bought back his fist. Seconds later the image crumpled and the shards of glass fell to the floor around him. He looked down at his hand and absentmindedly realized his hand was bleeding, he stretched his fingers: nothing broken. He felt strangely empty. He walked to the door picking up his cloak and threw it over himself and picking up the map. He walked to the door and opened it not looking back. If he had he would have seen that the room was destroyed. The furniture torn and broken the fire devouring the wall where the mirror was. But perhaps the worst was the photographs. Every single one was the same. They were left untouched apart from one horrible detail. In every photo harrys face was scratched out.

 But Harry left and never looked back.

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Draco was sat in the library that night just starting his essay for transfiguration, but he couldn’t concentrate so when Madam Pince came and shooed him out he had only done one of the eight inches required. He walked out into the corridor and started back to the dungeons when he realized that he didn’t really want to talk to blaise and pansy yet. Turning he started back into the opposite direction just letting his feet lead himself as his mind wandered. He though back over the day and felt a spike of guilt as he remembered his harsh words to potter. He didn’t know why he had lashed out at potter, he was just caught of guard. ‘you look tired’ what the fuck! He shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t want potter thinking he actually cared about him or something so he turned angrily and when the bitter hate speech had started spouting from his mouth he hadn’t realized until it was too late to stop. Draco shook himself and sneered. He was sure potter would be fine! i mean he’s been through a lot worse. Draco felt positive that right now potter was sat in the Gryffindor dorm pouting and getting sympathy or plotting dracos murder. He turned the corner and ran straight into severus.

“severus whats wrong?” he was shocked to see a worried and recless look in his step fathers normally composed eyes.

“its harry- I mean- potter, he’s missing” Severus whipped his brow and furrowed his eyebrows “ you haven’t seen him have you? This isn’t a joke draco this is important!” he shook draco by his shoulders his face just inches away.

“no-no! I haven’t seen-missing since when?” draco’s mouth was agape and his cheeks were red as he felt the guilt rise again.

“since your little stunt in my class…three hours ago, we’ve looked everywhere!” just then McGonagall rounded the corner practically running into them.

“oh severus! We’ve found him!”  without a word snape turned and followed her leaving draco thoroughly confused in the middle of the abandoned hallway. Slowly he turned and walked back to his dorm in a startled daze.

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Harry was silent and sitting in the courtyard staring up at the sky when Ron found him. Ron sighed in relief and ran to him and sat next to him silently. After a few moments of silence Ron spoke up in a quiet voice- “want to come inside mate?”. Harry nodded and the pair walked inside.  Immediately he was rushed up by the teacher and asked what felt a million questions. To which he responded to. His excuse was that he was ill and decided to stay off the rest of the day in case it was contagious. At first the teachers seemed unconvinced but as they took in his pale face and shallow cheeks and after a few convincing coughs they let him go with  a stomach settler from the infirmary. Harry smiled at them and an audible sigh of relief echoed around the room. They continued to watch him for the next week, but everything seemed of the norm. he was laughing and joking with his friends. Him and malfoy ignored each other and stayed out of each others way. After that week all eyes were off him and harrys let the mask slide slightly, not enough for people to start asking ‘what’s wrong?’ just enough so that he wasn’t acting 24/7. 

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Smirking draco stuck his tonue out at blaise as they entered potions, they laughed as they talked and joked. Following blaise, draco went to sit down only to realize that due to their later entrance there was only enough room for blaise. Sighing draco walked to the spare table at the front. He put down his stuff and shot a glare at zabini who shrugged apologetically and mimed buying him chocolate, now call him  weak but draco sure did love chocolate and well, it was his weakness. So he nodded once then turned back around facing snape, though they were ‘later’ the lesson still hadn’t started so when the golden trio entered they entered laughing and only spared snape a glance before staring at the table. They had the same predicament only two could sit there. Their heads forrowed together and after what amusingly looked like a round of rock paper sissors potter sighed and looked around for a seat, snape was getting restless as it was time to start, then potter saw the empty seat next to draco and instead of sighing or moaning he grinned and draco gulped slightly before turning to face the front.  Potter sat next to him and relaxed into the seat.

The lesson continued without any outburst and the boys worked together silently.  Potter stayed positively cheery it was…terrifying. Draco shivered slightly. Potter turned to face him-

“cold malfoy? Or is that someone dancing on your grave someday?” Draco sighed and turned facing him. okay so here it comes. He couldn’t get angry. After all that he said to potter, he’s allowed to give some back.

“what malfoy no retort?” potter paused and waited until the class was silent.

“hey malfoy? Where’s daddy?” he paused “oh yeah I remember he’s in Azkaban still isn’t he, where he belongs. But wait hasn’t your good friend the dark lord got him out yet?” Draco stiffened in anger, don’t get angry, don’t get angry.

“Little dragon, that’s what draco means isn’t it? What was your mother a whore? That’s a prostitute name is I’ve ever heard one” the class gasp and Draco grips the edge of the table.

“heyyyyy dray it’s okay I’m sure mommy loves you. It’s just you and her now.” He smiles “oh wait..no its not. Who is it malfoy? Who’s your new daddy? See I think she got sick of you and realized your dads a drop kick. So come tell me _at least I have a mother_ and that blah blah blah….i don’t care about that, at least mine died before I could let them down in every single way possible, how many people are you gonna kill? How many of your school mates? Your teachers? Innocent people? Children? When you take the mark. And when you betray us _Malfoy_ I’ll be the one to carve out your heart.” Draco stood his heart thumping in his chest he looked at the desk in front of him and as the bell rang he was the first out of the door.

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Time passed quickly between lessons and the boys harsh banter. Their classmates started taking bets on who would break first. The gryffindors, hufflepuffs and half of ravenclaw said malfoy but the other half and of course slytherin said potter.

The boys kept up their banter both getting closer to their breaking point. And whilst all this was going on harry continued to have the dreams that plagued him. now the ordeal to start with the ghosts seemed less scary and the fact that he had to enter his own personal hell each night wore him down to the bone. He would arrive in the torturous place and be put up on the rack where he would be met with Alistair. Each night would be a new torture and would last what felt a year. Tonight as harry climbed into bed he was drop dead exhausted and as soon as his head hit the pillow he was out. As he stood in front of the veil he cursed himself, he’d been forcing himself to stay awake for the past three days but he’d done it now! Cursing he waited for the ghosts of his past to approach. They said their piece and now instead of fear all harry felt was acceptance and sadness, there is only so long someone can go being told the same thing over and over again until they believed it.

He landed in hell and was put onto the rack, he didn’t even struggle now. He knew there was no escape. As soon as he was up and secured he felt the familiar pain of the blade being sliced and parting his skin. Then just as soon as it came the knife was gone.

“now then...harry. You are getting used to the ghosts? Oh yes I know everything down here. Okay…new torture for tonight” he clicked his fingers with a grin and suddenly harry felt the pull of a portkey. When he opened his eyes he was in a small familiar looking room. He walked out and into the corridor that’s were a woman almost ran into him, he gasped as he looked upon her face and ran down the corridor just to see his father being struck down by the flash of green. Turning he retreated back to the-no _his_ bedroom and watched as his mother was slaughtered after pleading for his life to be spared. Next he was in the old graveyard watching as Cedric stepped in front of him to protect him from the approaching strangers, he waited for the tell-tale flash of green and as it came harry felt all the pain he had on that night, but now it was worse as the fear and rage was gone, it was just the pain. Sobbing harry was pulled into the most recent memory Sirius falling, even though he knew it was pointless he still yelled out and tried to pull him back only to be pulled into the veil with him. this time the pain he felt was earth shattering. New scenes flew past him: ginny lying almost dead in the chamber of secrets, ron with his broken leg in the shack. Then ones that he didn’t recognise: goyle falling to flames, remus and tonks dead for him, Hermione and ron with a huge snake flying towards them, george crying over the body of his twin. He gasped and reeled backwards screaming, the distant sound of Alistair laughing.

He woke with a gasp, tears and sweat pouring down his face and drenching his sheets. He moaned and rolled himself into a ball where he sobbed and held back screams. His hands clawing at his arms and face.

 Not worthy.

 His fault.

Useless.

A burden.

A murderer.

**His fault.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this ones mega short, will make up for it in the next one xox   
> KUDOS AND COMMENTS FORCE ME TO KEEP WRITING!! I LOVE YOU GUYS

We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

Winston Churchill 

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When harry’s tears finally stopped flowing he steadied himself with a few heavy gasps. Then he looked down at himself. He had clawed the skin off his arms in longs fingernail lines. His fingertips and nails were covered in dry blood from his arms. He winced and felt his face tinge. He transfigured his pillow into a mirror as he leaned against the headboard. He felt strangely empty as he looked at the long gashes that covered the area around his eyes.  They were bloody and deep. Holding his wand tightly he cleaned his hands, arms and face, removing the blood. He looked at the deep gashes and realized that he could hide the ones on his arms but not on his face. He lines traced his body like art work or like rivers tracing them lightly he summoned a house elf and asked them for bandages and salve after making them swear to tell no-one what he looked like. Seconds later the house elf reappeared fat tears rolling off his cheeks as he handed the medical set over then he disapperated with a pop!.

Quickly harry applied the salve and bandaged his arms. Then he stared at his face in the mirror, this would be harder to hide. Finally he settled on putting a glamour over the gashes but nothing else. As soon as he finished he heard ron get up from beside him and tucked the med box under his pillow, he yawned convincingly and pulled back his curtains.

“hey mate!” harry grinned.

“..morning, you’re happy harry. Sleep well?” ron looked slightly suspiciously at harry.

Harry laughed and stood up, stretching “yeah really well” he lied. Then he continued to get changed telling ron that he showered last night. They walked down to the great hall laughing and met Hermione half way who also noted harry’s good mood. With one look ron and Hermione agreed to try and make it last.

Breakfast was a cheery ordeal and harry was the one telling most jokes. He was full of life. But as they were leaving malfoy and his cronies sped to catch up and as harry was heading through the door malfoy slammed into his side ripping off the few scabs that had formed and reopening all the cuts. Hissing harry shoved him back into the hall, he could feel the blood welling up and hoped that it wouldn’t come through the bandages.  Malfoy yelled at him and jeered, harry saw red. Hermione and ron were trying to calm him down as well as half the gryffindors. But harrys pushed them away with a sweep of his hand and entered back into the hall, his eyes flashing and a wind blowing around the hall, around him he felt lightening crackle and quickly everyone backed away apart from malfoy who stood there looking as cock sure as always. Growling harry begins to pace trying to control himself. He thinks that he just about has it under control and the wind all but stops. He walks towards the door only to be hit by a curse from behind, spinning he reaches for his magic and the hall door slams shut, the windows smash and it starts to rain. Inside the hall! Big fat raindrops splattering the floor, normally this would cause mayhem but everyone just stayed silent watching the two boys, as the windows exploded the teachers tried to run forward only to be frozen as harrys eye brushes over them. Harry stares at malfoy who still has that stupid sneer on his face. He walks slowly towards him and doesn’t even pull out his wand. His magic is so close to the surface he doesn’t need something to harness it. The boys stand mere meteres away and then malfoys speaks up “control yourself potter. What are you an eight year old! Accidental magic is for children and---“ his mouth keep moving but no words emerge as harry raises a finger to his lips.” Its not accidental malfoy if you want it to happen” malfoy gasps and yells in outrage as he realizes he can speak again. With a twitch of his hand harry creates a dome around them letting neither leave until he says so and meaning none of the other students would be harmed. 


End file.
